It’s been two weeks since I arrived on campus. I’m convinced that it’s actually been eternity…or perhaps just a couple of seconds.
I don’t know why I am here. I don’t know why this is the school, or these are the people, or these are the classes. I don’t know why this is the call.
I do know that I have been overwhelmed. I do know that there have been moments that I have wished that I was somewhere else. I do know that I’ve asked “God, WHAT are you doing?” a couple hundred times.
Speaking of things I say to God. Here are a couple of other phrases:
“I want more, Jesus.”
“Let me pursue you with everything I am.”
“Draw me nearer.”
“Take me deeper.”
Here’s the thing about God. You ask, He gives.
I go to an incredible school, but I look around and, just like everywhere else, I see such great need for revival. A lot of revival. I see men and women with broken images of themselves, having placed their identities in each other, in worldly success, in their pasts, in their futures.
Part of me wants to take them all and hug them and give them chocolate chip cookies. I want to look into their eyes and tell them, “You. Are. Good.” I want to hear their stories, I want them to know that they are perfectly allowed to feel the things that they feel. I want to tell them that they are loved unconditionally. I want to show them what that means.
Part of me wants to go hide under my bed and never talk to any of them. I know that people are messy. Sometimes I don’t know what to do when hearts are handed to me. I get caught up in the chaos of emotion. Things are so much bigger than me.
Take me deeper.
Deeper than my feet could ever wander.
I am currently so out of my comfort zone, out here in the deep. My heart longs for somewhere else besides this campus…and yet, here I am.
And here God is.
All those times that I have cried out to Him…sometimes consumed by love, sometimes consumed by myself, sometimes consumed by peace, and sometimes consumed by frustration…He heard me.
He is taking me deeper.
I look around and I am overwhelmed. I walk the streets of this campus. I see the scars, I hear the hurt.
He has cast me out into the deep. Just where I asked to be.
I didn’t know any of this was possible. The mission that He has presented me with– to share truth in love– is not something my feet would have wandered into. But, here I am. God has led me here and given me the grace to follow.
But He is so good and He allows me to turn around, if I want to.
Sometimes I want to. It’s exhausting when you’re trying to save the world and you feel like you need to take on everyone’s burdens. Only, that’s not what God is asking of me.
He’s telling me that He is already victorious. He’s telling me that He has already saved the world. He’s telling me that He carries burdens. He’s inviting me to lay down my exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed heart…and He’s inviting me to simply dance with Him on the battlefield.
The battlefield. To me, it’s actually on the water, in the midst of a horrific, violent storm. But Jesus just keeps telling me…”Fix your eyes on me, only me.” Just by doing that, just by being captivated by His gaze, captivated by His presence I will accomplish His will.
I look around and the waves are enormous and I cannot even see the shore. I have been following God and He’s been leading…and here we are. Deeper than my feet could ever wander.
I am in the deep. Yet, I am not alone…here He is with me. Take me even deeper, Jesus! There is no place that I would rather be. I am not turning around.
This is the place for miracles. This is the time for wonders. Let’s do this.