What a mystery our relationship is, and has been since the beginning of time. Fingers have been pointed and wounds have been inflicted, with each side wholly blaming the other.
And yet…we come together, time and time again. Beauty and love and goodness somehow make themselves known in the midst of the ashes of a relationship that has been cursed since the garden. Since Adam failed to protect Eve. Since Eve brought Adam into her sin.
Overanalyzation and too many words cause so much suffocation. Part of our problem is that we focus so much on each other, honestly, instead ourselves. We focus on what the other is doing wrong and why the other is reacting whatever way. I allow myself to be frustrated and then I seek out hundreds of articles or rant to friends in hopes of fixing it.
Except, they never fix it. Because the problem isn’t actually you. The problem is me.
The problem is me and my heart and my God.
We’ve become so focused on fixing a relationship that is broken that we’ve forgotten something…our relationship is broken because of another broken relationship: our relationship with our Creator. Who is the only One with the power to restore. Who is the only One who could ever possibly satisfy.
I have turned to so many good articles and friends that speak truth…but they’re not enough. Words and words and more words. Promising solutions and promising power. But how often they leave me spinning, more confused than ever before. How often do we go to these things as sort of an easy fix? Because the silence is too loud. And actually having to admit that there’s a deeper issue is scary.
I need to be chasing God with every part of my heart. I’m sorry that I expected you to be enough. I’m sorry for putting you in a place that you could never satisfy. I’m sorry for placing expectations upon you that you could never fulfill. I’m sorry for blaming you for hurt that was never totally your fault.
And mostly, I’m sorry for trying to be enough for you. I’m sorry for thinking I could ever be enough.
When I have seen you hurting, I have wanted to fix it. When I have seen the hurt that you carry, I’ve wanted to take it away just by my mere presence. I’ve wanted you to come to me to come to God. I’ve wanted you to need me.
Dear boy, I am not enough. I could never be enough because you were created for more than me.
Before there was me, there was God. You and God in the garden. God said that it wasn’t good for you to be alone.
I’ve wanted to take away your loneliness. I’ve wanted you to feel needed and loved because of me, because of me sharing my life with you and letting you in. I’ve wanted my attention to be enough and my trust to be enough.
Then He gave me to you. But don’t you see? I was never meant to take His place.
We messed up. Because you didn’t protect me and you made me into a god. You listened to my voice over the voice of God. And I put myself in the role of God in your life and led you somewhere He never intended for you to go.
You need to go back to the garden and let Him reclaim what has been lost. Let Him restore what has been stolen from you and what has been destroyed. Let Him take you back to the goodness that He created you for…a perfect garden.
Dear boy, I am not enough. I’m sorry for offering you the apple. I’m sorry for promising to be enough.
Listen. Your Father is calling you…away from the noise, away from the sources that never completely fill you up. He wants to restore your illusion of Fatherhood, your illusion of masculinity, your illusion of love.
“Love” has let you down in so many ways. But I’m taking a step back because I’m not strong enough. There’s Someone who has already taken on your pain and guilt. And won.
He’s the only one who is ever going to be enough. It’s time for me to take a step back and run to Him. It’s time for you to take a step back and run to Him.
You need to be totally seeking to find your fulfillment and satisfaction in Him before we could ever hope to be restored to where we were in the garden. I need to be seeking Him and allowing Him to fill me.
I also need to let go of the desire to battle your demons, because. I. can’t. But I can give you to a Love that never disappoints and who defeated the grave.
And that is enough. He is enough. Please, please just close your eyes and ask Him to show you what He thinks of you and what He longs to give you and please, sweet boy, expect an answer. Because He’s been waiting to tell you your whole life.
Whatever love I have to give,