Drinking iced coffee with whipped cream. It’s four o’clock at the beginning of the week and I’m exhausted.
Barefoot feet and cutoff shorts, sitting on a gray rug that is perpetually full of hair from my roommate and I. The Band CAMINO is blaring, and I’m trying to find my story within words written by someone whose life has never touched my own.
Somehow, I’m almost twenty and my nails are red. I’m almost halfway done with college and I have no idea what I want.
My room is still. My heart is not. There’s so much going on that I can’t even begin to put into words.
I’ve been realizing how afraid I am. Of so much. I’m afraid that God won’t show up. I’m afraid that He will. How can the things that I want the most incite so much fear? Perhaps it’s because I’ve believed that I’m not enough for my dreams. That I’m too much for what I desire. Perhaps I’ve believed that I have to beg for my Father’s attention, that I have to convince Him to give me good things. But then He wouldn’t be a true Father, would He?
I’m finding that it takes a ridiculous amount of courage to want more than what you see. It takes audacity and boldness to not be consumed by what’s going on now. It takes strength to go faster, to go harder when all you want is to fall in the arms that are here now.
I’m being called into all of these things. And it’s so much bigger than anything I ever thought, and the Father is so much stronger than I ever thought. He’s asking all of these things of me and honestly? There has been so much pain.
Realign my heart with yours, Daddy. He’s telling me that I’ve been looking at it all wrong.
Because He’s not asking me to do these things, to surrender so big, to want so big, just so I can be shattered. Even though destruction seems inevitable and there’s no cure for longing in sight.
But this love, this courage that He’s calling me to is my Father simply inviting me to partner with Him in this incredible story that is my life. Because how much more courage, how much more audacity and boldness, how much more strength is pressing in on me, as He invites me deeper into His love? Coming to earth, meeting me where I’m at, suffering the worst death possible…He doesn’t do all this and then tell me, “oh, well, have fun with your broken heart and figuring your life out!”
He doesn’t leave me alone. He doesn’t abandon me and He doesn’t forget me. The bigger the risk, the bigger the glory. The bigger the victory. The more prevalent the death, the more radical the resurrection. He doesn’t let us go. We don’t escape His attention. Ever.
My heart was not made for bland things and the bare minimum. And for the last year and a half, I’ve been throwing around words like “longing,” “desire,” and “more.” I’ve been asking for more, I’ve been asking to see Him move radically.
So of course, the waves are going to get big. Of course death happens. Because without it, there’s no need for a miracle. There’s no need for a Savior. He is so much bigger.
It’s time to let go of how it’s supposed to look. It’s time to let go of how college or twenty is supposed to go. It’s time to let go of what’s supposed to happen next. Because we’re way too small to even have the slightest inclination of what our Father is about to pull next.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
The winds of chaos, confusion, and contradiction are present. But they don’t get to have my heart. They don’t get to have my mind.
He’s enough. He’s enough to calm the storms of my mind and heart. He’s enough for my dreams, He’s enough to vanquish my fears. And as He dignifies the tears shed at the grave, His very presence here tells me that there is more. So much more. The resurrection is coming.
Here is the place that is the victory, beyond what I see and beyond what I feel. Worship isn’t an emotion; it’s a decision. Resolution and closure aren’t events; they’re actions that I take to press into the heart of the King who has won. I’m going to choose to worship my Savior, and not the problem. He gets my heart, not the uncertainty around me. He’s my focus because He’s my Defender and He’s faithful.
I’m kind of amazed that this blog post has come together, because I had no idea where it was going. It was pretty vulnerable and probably kind of messy. But this is where I’m at right now.
I want you to know that you’re not alone, beyond a cliche. You’re not a victim to your circumstances and He is present right where you are. Let’s look at all of our circumstances not as restrictive. Let’s see them as the stage which is going to lead us to deeper intimacy with the Father.
There is so much more. He’s so much bigger.